


Nine or None

by KazB



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan Needs A Hug, Bang Chan-centric, Chan is Sad but the Boys Help, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Nine or None, STAN TALENT STAN STRAY KIDS, Sad Bang Chan, Supportive Members
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-06 00:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18839593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KazB/pseuds/KazB
Summary: Stray Kids' leader is going through a particularly difficult time but, luckily, he has his members there to help him when his demons get to dangerous.





	Nine or None

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: None of the members mentioned are mine (no matter how much I wish they were) and I may not have been able to capture their individual essences too well but I tried my best XD. Any kind of mental health issues may not be fully accurate in my piece so I am really sorry for any potential inaccuracies! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading my short piece!

5:10AM.

Another sleepless night spent in the studio- he's lost count of how many times this has happened to him in the past few weeks. A part of him wished that Changbin or Jisung would force him home after their 3RACHA sessions but he can't blame them; it's his own stupid mind that's keeping him glued to the computer in his cupboard-like studio.

Most people would find the small, tight room suffocating but he doesn't. The closeness of the walls and the lack of floor space offers more comfort than fear. In his mind, there's nothing worse than there being empty space you cannot fill- a void that can never truly be satisfied. He definitely prefers the small room- there's nothing that needs to be filled, his pathetic studio equipment can fill the room without much challenge and he can finally feel safe.

Safe. It's a funny word. Does anyone ever truly feel safe? Safe in their position? Safe in their home? Safe in their mind? The only place he feels safe is in his music- when there's only himself and the sound of intricately intertwined notes that make him actually feel something. He hasn't felt a lot lately. Deep down, he knows he should turn to his members who've been there for each another through thick and thin but something stops him every time. The voice in his mind tells him that they won't care, that they'll think he's pathetic, but maybe a part of him is afraid that they will care. He doesn't have a good relationship with caring- after all, everyone leaves in the end. Why open up to one another, trust one another, only to have it ripped away from you when they find success and you don't. Don't get him wrong, he will do everything in his power to keep his team together, to make them stay as nine or none, but he can't help but think about the time they'll realise that they don't need a leader to get to the top. What will happen to him when they realise that the songs he creates are mediocre until Jisung and Changbin write the lyrics, that Woojin is just as capable at organising the members or that Minho can charm the public better than he ever could with his nervous laugh and awkward speeches? 

After all, everyone leaves him in the end.

Seven years a trainee: time was wasted, friends were lost and his self esteem was bruised- not broken, that didn't happen until the survival show. Seeing the members he chose struggle, get eliminated and told they weren't good enough, no amount of training could have prepared him for that. They said it wasn't his fault, but how could it not be? If he'd trained them harder, if he'd given them bigger parts, if he'd helped them more instead of producing and arranging and recording, then maybe none of it would have happened. Sure, the members rejoined and everyone moved on. But the memories scarred his brain, caused an ache he couldn't seem to shake- a constant reminder of his failure and unworthiness of being a leader. 

He could tell that they were starting to notice. There was an uneasiness every time he entered the dorms- the conversations would drop to a whisper, they'd look at him like he'd returned from a war and he'd been on the losing side. Maybe he had. He didn't want his team to feel uncomfortable or worried, that was his job. Still, he shrugged off the looks of concern and plastered a smile on his face that would have seemed less pitiful if his shoulders didn't seem to droop like the weight of the world was hanging on them.

The first time it happened he barely noticed. They'd been in the middle of practising My Pace, the song required a lot of energy and he didn't seem to have so much of that nowadays. Still, he tried his best to push through because he was their leader and they needed him to work hard- he couldn't slack off and put his members' reputations in jeopardy. The song finally came to an end and it took every fibre of his being to not walk out of the room, go back to bed and never get back up but he couldn't, he had a team to think about. He waited for the next song to start playing, praying that it wouldn't be Miroh, but it never did.

"Hyung, I was hoping you could watch our next practice and make sure we're all in time? I've been trying to check but it's difficult to dance at the same time." Minho said, a hopeful look in his eyes. He was slightly taken aback (it'd been a while since he'd been asked to monitor the practice) but he agreed without too much hesitation and started the music. He didn't see the relieved smile Woojin sent Minho or the way Felix's shoulders seemed to relax.

The second time was a bit more obvious but maybe he wasn't too aware, he hadn't slept in a few days now. He'd been editing another song, the introduction just didn't sound right and it was driving him insane. No amount of random clicking could salvage the piece and he was close to deleting the entire project when his phone began to ring. If he wasn't in a constant state of concern for his members, he would have let it go to voicemail but he picked up to save his conscience.

"Hey, hyung, I was going to go out for some food but everyone's busy. Would you come with me?" he heard Seungmin's voice and, before he had even finished the sentence, he knew he would end up agreeing. He let out a soft sigh at having to leave his work but, at the back of his mind, he knew that he wasn't going to be able to get anything done anyway.

"Sure, Minnie. I'll meet you back at the dorm in 10 minutes- be ready to go." 

Hyunjin, Felix and Jeongin were the next to try and drag him out of his studio and, to his surprise, he found that leaving his work unfinished didn't bother him as much as it should have. The thought of spending some time with his dongsaengs really did fill him with a happiness he hadn't felt in a while. The three younger members dragged him to an ice cream parlour, despite it being freezing outside, and he didn't complain once (he may have said a few colourful words when Hyunjin wiped ice cream all over his face but he got payback pretty quickly). They walked back into the dorm in a chorus of laughter and his smile was wider than it had been in months. As they walked into the living room, he saw a fond look on Woojin's face.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Woojin said, the smile still adorning his features, "I'm just glad that you had fun."

And so the days out continued, the members all made sure to spend at least a few minutes a day making sure he was eating or seeing the sun and he was surprised how much better it made him feel. Jisung and Changbin had been in the studio with him and they'd created what he thinks might be their best song yet (and he left to go back to the dorms before 1AM). Woojin and Minho made sure he knew that not all of the responsibility fell onto his shoulders to keep an eye on the younger members, Seungmin made sure to have weekly outings to new restaurants he found online and Felix, Hyunjin and Jeongin continued to wreak havoc on his life (but he was only pretending to be annoyed).

He was by no means fully fixed but he was realising he was never truly broken. Healing takes time and he still had his down days but he knew that there were eight other boys who were always willing to help him get back onto his feet after a particularly difficult week.

After all, it is nine or none.


End file.
